i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize