Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
