That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
