Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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