Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
