Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
