toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
We are two peas in an std pod
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
