she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
how do you play pong handcuffed?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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