Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
