Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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