First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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