Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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