Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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