I must be too annoying 4 u.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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