how can u be prego again
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
