Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
