Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
