What tipped you off? The sombrero?
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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