well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize