A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
