may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
