my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
