my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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