He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
