my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
