i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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