you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
