I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Randomize
