i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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