i just wanna soil my oats bro
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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