my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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