Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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