Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
