Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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