I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize