so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I checked into jail on foursquare
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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