My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Is it penis luge time yet?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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