super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
