3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
