I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
