i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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