when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
