Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
