Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
