There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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