No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
