His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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