i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
