We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
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