My first STD was from a foam party
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize