had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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