I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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