is your mom at the bar?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
