Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
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