Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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