i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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