girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
