i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
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