Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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