Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize