im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
