ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
