I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
